I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize