Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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