please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
