god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize