we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
