i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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