When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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