So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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