She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
