don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
