How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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