He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
