there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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