just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
