my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
