A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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