remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
