There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize