this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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