somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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