I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
