Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
