I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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