u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
