whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
