do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
