you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
