ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
