she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
