I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just had sex on a roof
Randomize
