Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
