Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
jump out the window naked night went bad
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
