My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
