I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
