im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
