dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
