Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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