you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
