He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
