Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's shark week go big or go home
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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