so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize