I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
