get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
