Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just had sex bonerless
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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