i don't like sucking hair
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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