Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
