I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
