I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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