I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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