I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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