My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
