Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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