he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
