I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
