bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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