So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
