I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
