i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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