just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
