i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
