the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
