Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
